Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
