I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
