remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I think people are normalizing furries
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
