Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
