When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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