clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
