You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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