My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
whose parrot is this?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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