I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
