Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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