I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
