Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
