I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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