omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
