There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
