I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
