i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
