Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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