I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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