wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
please come you make the beer taste better
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
