i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
His nipple licking is glorious
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize