I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
