Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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