i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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