When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
