I think I won the penis lottery.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
