He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
