Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
