now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
