i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize