I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
