I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
