Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
