If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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