Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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