Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
