I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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