There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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