They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
