I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
