Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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