god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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