You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
