Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
