I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Randomize
