I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
