I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
