Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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