Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
