allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Randomize
