She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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