haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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