he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
