just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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