my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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