a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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