I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
