My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
