I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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