omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
