How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
